'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Nation,
We waited for the results from Napoli's 12th hip examination
Our Red Stockings were hung in last place just last year,
Now the hope is Saint Farrell will lead a team we might cheer
Ben Cherington was nestled all snug in his bed,
Dreaming of free agent has-beens at $13 million a head;
And Werner in his ascot, and Henry's mind on The Kop,
Is there any doubt in your mind Boston's in for another flop?
When out on the web there arose such a clatter,
Did Lucchino make a deal? There's 500 tweets on the matter,
Away to Fenway we flew in a dash,
Tore open the laptop, camera ready to flash
Who's breaking the story? Who's the source in the know?
Has Jacoby been traded? Did they spend the Gonzo-deal dough?
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But our old friend Johnny Damon, with a smile ear-to-ear
�He'll platoon with Gomes! In the clubhouse he'll click!�
We knew in a moment, it was Ben's latest cheap trick
More rapid than Valentine could light a flame and bring shame
Henry whistled, and shouted, he called them by name!
"Now Suarez! now, Gerrard! now, Shelvey and Sterling!
On, Allen! On, Agger! Carragher and Downing!
To the top of the table! On a striker I'll spend it all!
Who cares if the Red Sox won't be playing in the fall?�
They'll be cheering at Anfield, but at Fenway we'll cry
And while you are reading this, Ben signed another �nice guy�
It's a team full of dirt dogs and the brother of J.D. Drew
There's still not enough horses, but there's plenty of glue
And then, in a twinkling, he strolled to the mound,
The prancing and pawing of this hard throwing hound,
Laying his long finger aside of the seam
He stares just like Martinez� an impossible dream?
He spoke words in Spanish, and went straight to his work,
He went into his windup; then he turned with a jerk,
As he threw out his hand, and was coming around,
Down toward home plate, the ball took off with a bound;
He threw like the old Pedro, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, Petey had the old kick;
His heater's mid-90s, the curve ball has bite,
Larry signed him up to pitch every fifth night!
And Lester and Buchholz came in focused and healthy
Lackey's ready to roll, and thanks to Theo he's wealthy
Dustin knows how we do things; Victorino knows what to say
And Farrell's got four catchers and two center fielders to play
Ellsbury stays on the field for his Boston goodbye
No more stars for us, but the payroll's still sky high
Papi had the old stroke back, when he hit 'em they flew,
Everyone batted around, the unnamed left fielder, too!
The crowd sprang to their feet, to the team gave a whistle,
Salty circled the bases, Dempster threw another missile;
A new year is upon us and the Olde Towne ballclub,
"Bridge Year be damned! PENNANT FEVER GRIPS HUB!"
...with apologies as always to Clement Clarke Moore and Henry Livingston, Jr.
Merry Christmas, Boston Dirt Dogs
Drew the Short Straw
Drew the Short Straw
What's the Fascination, If It Is True, With Stephen Drew?
For the 10th Year in a Row, The Revolving Door Band-Aids at Short Will Continue
Enrique Iglesias Has Now Moved Ahead of Jose Iglesias in the SS Pecking Order
This Just In: Drew Out On Opening Day with Sore Back, Neck Stiffness, Leg Cramps
In Search of a Scutaro Spark: Red Sox Stick with Overpaying for Marginal Talent Plan
Maybe Now the Red Sox Can Finally Trade Future Hall-of-Famer Iglesias for Cliff Lee
Only Surprise Is That Ben Didn't Insist on Paying the Underperforming Drew $13M
Carlos Pena Signs for a Reasonable $2.9 Million... Cherington Scoffs
"We think Drew will be the Red Sox answer at shortstop for many, many years to come." -- Sincerely, Pokey Reese, Orlando Cabrera, Nomar Garciaparra, Cesar Crespo, Ricky Gutierrez, Mark Bellhorn, Edgar Renteria, Ramon Vazquez, Alex Cora, Alex Gonzalez, Julio Lugo, Royce Clayton, Jed Lowrie, Nick Green, Marco Scutaro, Yamaico Navarro, Bill Hall, Angel Sanchez, Mike Aviles, Drew Sutton, Jose Iglesias, Nick Punto, and Pedro Ciriaco
Dumpster Diving
By Ron Sen, BDD contributor, founder of Red Sox Reality Check
Boston Red Sox representatives continue to meet with the negotiating team of Texas Rangers California Angels free agent outfielder Josh Hamilton.
WAIT! Did the Sox get the message, or is this the continuing disinformation spin coming from Yawkey Way?
The Sox, never to be outdone (or outspun) have concocted a Herman Cain-esque 13-13-13 plan, as if they don't have enough bad luck going to disparage triskaidekaphobia (spelling bee losahs groan here). The locals have negotiated with Ryan Dempster career 4.33 ERA with AL ERA over 5 last year, Shane "Better Days" Victorino, and Mike (My Aching Back) Napoli to low-term, high pay deals, although Napoli's is still pending. Google "career .500 pitcher", and there's a great chance Dempster is your poster child.
But is this off-season charade about reloading or posturing, as the posers hope for lightning in a bottle while drunk-dialing agents (fried chicken and beer being the near official foods of the Boston Red Sox) addicted to the number 13?
I'll acknowledge that I KNOW NOTHING. After all, I snickered when uber-agent Scott Boras suggested Jacoby "Mirror, Mirror" Ellsbury could get twenty million dollars a year. And I don't think that he meant TEN adjusted for playing half a season.
In a market that overpays mediocrity with astonishing regularity, anything is possible. Anibal Sanchez has a sub .500 career record, and just scored EIGHTY million dollars from the Detroit Tigers for five years. Clearly, when the numbers got over THIRTEEN, the Sox folded like an accordion. And by the way, Sanchez's next win will bring his career totals to 49.
By comparison, Ray Culp won 122 career games, Spaceman Bill Lee 119, and Reggie Cleveland 105. At age 28, Lee "fleeced" the Red Sox for $80,000 dollars as a pitcher who won 17 games and had a WAR of 2.1. Is Anibal Sanchez materially better than any of the aforementioned trio, or has Reefer Madness descended upon all of us in age of changing drug policy?
I won't pretend that I will forswear baseball in 2013, waiting for the anointed Killer B's of Barnes, Bogaerts, Bradley, and Brentz. But I remember waiting for Kevin Romine, Chuck Rainey, Win Remmerswaal, and Brian Rose. Maybe we'll someday see the Sox kiddie corps in a Major League all-star game or if unexpected longevity occurs for us, Cooperstown. But I'm not holding my breath.
As currently constituted, are the Sox any more than breakeven favorites to outpace the Orioles for fourth in the AL East behind Toronto, New York, and Tampa Bay? Have the Red Sox led by Larry Lucchino and erstwhile surrogate Ben Cherington sucker-punched us all? It sure feels like it to me. If I want "Character Approved" I'll watch USA Network.
