Date:  Thursday, November 15, 2001
From:  DJS
Subject:  Contraction Pains

With all the talk about contraction and potential loss of at least 50 players, a number of minor league franchises and untold Canadian duty-free goods and coins, a few immodest proposals to offset what may boil down in the end to a labor issue:

1) Rather than Minnesota, Montreal or potentially other clubs falling in a $250-million guillotine chop, each town needs to vote a player off the squad, a`la "Survivor".

For Boston, we can offset some strife-free teams with multiple excommunications, but the immediate choice for terminal free agency: Carl Everett. In a "Ransom of Red Chief" irony, the Angry One may remain landlocked in Boston Harbor strictly because the club will not pay enough to end its misery; this gambit would bid farewell to the misunderstood talent without recrimination or additional cost.

2) Uncle Bud Selig cannot figure out how rich and poor teams came to this sorry predicament, but there`s one way to make all equal: cut one position on every team. This is the ballclub`s choice, but you can`t play a game without a pitcher and catcher. For the Sox, second base has been a revolving door over the last two decades, so in 2002 Nomar has a helluva lot of ground to cover. Teams with high overheads can lose an outfielder or a $250 million shortstop, but the new rule will indeed mean only Eight Men Out. Batting averages soar, MLB has more scoring than the NBA, and "porous defense" take on new significance. In the most epic change to the game, Rich Garces hits an inside-the-park homerun in interleague.

3) Sayonara Yankees. Worth more than any two clubs (although George would be hard pressed to get anything for Justice, Knoblach, or Luis Sojo now), why not send the Bronx Bombers to Japan and make a cool quarter billion? Grab two major cable deals, lock up apparel and bobblehead licensing, even imagine old vets like Steve Balboni doing sukiyaki commercials, Mickey Rivers selling insurance or Paul O`Neill hawking Nissans.

4) Yankees relegation: no championship, no mas. Hello AAA, goodbye Columbus.