BIG DOG BITES

Date: Thursday, September 27, 2001
From: Big Dog
Subject:  Yawkee Kippur.  Lots to Atone for with This Sorry Bunch.

John-Gone Harrington.  I’m sorry I ever came back to Boston after the Attack. I should have just stayed in Canada and worked for AccounTemps. And I’m sorry I can’t make the Army game at Alumni Stadium on Saturday… I have a Major League Baseball (who I’ve worked for exclusively the last three years) event to attend.

Duke.  I’m sorry I gave Carl that extension after last year.  I’m sorry I never stuck up for Jimy. I’m sorry I grossly overpaid for Offerman and added an extra year to boot.  I’m sorry I said Roger was in the twilight of his career.  I’m sorry I got rid of Alice Sele.  I’m sorry I drove The Hit Dog out of town.  I’m sorry about Bragg for Moyer.  I’m sorry about Steve Avery as Roger’s replacement.   I’m sorry I gave the OK to put that fake chat up on redsox.com. I’m sorry I don’t know how to talk to the fans. I’m sorry that no one believes I actually grew up in Massachusetts. I’m sorry we didn’t get Mussina and Juan Gonzalez instead of Manny.  I’m sorry I’m a control freak and power monger.  I’m sorry I gave up on David Eckstein, the only decent prospect in the minors.  I’m sorry I never built up the farm system like I said I would in 1994 and keep telling you our 30-year-old-waiver-wire call-ups are the future. I'm sorry...

Joe Kerrigan. I’m sorry I didn’t just go to that chiropractor appointment (then Gene Lamont would have had to deal with all this).  I’m sorry I didn’t take a swing at Derek after that embarrassment on my first night.  I’m sorry I said I would go with a set lineup. I’m sorry I let Tommy give the steal sign and thought these guys were the ’74 Oakland A’s.  I’m sorry for my ill-timed, ill-advised firing of Cumby.  I'm sorry I do and don't read the paper.  I'm sorry I blamed the media.  I’m sorry I ever took this thankless job.

Trot.  I’m sorry I didn’t make it back to Boston in time for the birth of my son (although God knows I tried).  I’m sorry I didn’t challenge Carl further when he refused to rehab his knee.  And I’m sorry I took all those late inning third strikes when we were still in contention.

Daugbach.  I’m sorry I let my stupid brother come visit me and give me that damn staph infection.  I’m sorry for wearing that Lincolnesque beard earlier in the season.  I’m really sorry I got sucked in to suiting up for those replacement games back in '95. I’m sorry I don’t go off the Wall more often.

Tek.  I’m sorry I give 100% on every play.  I’m sorry I landed on that ridiculous rubber mat.  I’m sorry I listened to those quacks in Worcester and tried to rush back.  I’m sorry the Dirt Dog momentum started to slip away after I got hurt.

Sheahound.  I’m sorry I didn’t walk more earlier in the year (I think).  I’m sorry Carl took such a liking to me. 

Casey on the mound.  I’m sorry I only weigh 170lbs.  I’m sorry the season is ending soon (this has been a blast).  I’m sorry I threw those two balls right into the swing path of Ellis, all-done-in-’91, Burks and Juan, should-have-grabbed-him-for-short-money-instead, Gonzalez in Cleveland.

Canine Stynes.  I’m sorry I got hit/hurt.  I’m sorry I couldn’t lock up the second base job.  I’m sorry I didn’t hit for more power.

Izzy for real?  (No) I’m sorry I didn’t get called up sooner… like two year’s ago.  I’m sorry I keep loafing even after everyone forgave me for the first time.  I’m sorry the delivery wasn’t as good as the promise. 

El Guapo.  I’m sorry I ate the whole thing.  I’m sorry I never made the El Guapo Grape Salad for the ‘Crowding the Plate’ cookbook. 

David Cone.  I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help in New York.  I’m sorry I have to leave, but I just can’t stay.

Frank Castillo.  I’m sorry they kept taking me out in the sixth when I was going good.  I’m sorry you never know what you’re going to get with me.  I’m sorry sometimes my fastball comes in underhand.

Lansing. (Yeesh)  I’m not sorry for anything.  Someone paid me $7 million dollars a year, are you kidding me?

Urbina. I’m sorry I’m damaged goods and may only be a band-aid at closer.

Wakefield.  I’m sorry you’re all sick of the knuckleball.  I’m sorry I keep complaining every time they jerk me around from starter to closer.

Arrojo.  I’m sorry I don’t care whether your team wins or loses anything.  I just like cashing these big checks.

Nomo.  I’m sorry I’m being so greedy about my next deal.  I’m sorry I don’t care about your tradition of losing either; I’m from Japan and will be with eight teams before I go back.  I’m sorry I didn’t get that second no-hitter.

Offerman.  I’m sorry I forgot to get in shape last year.  I’m sorry I can’t run anymore. I’m sorry that you’ll see me playing hard again and wonder why (it’s only because I’m trying to get one last contract)?

Troy.  I’m sorry my only shining moment was Game 5 in Cleveland in ’99 (Waaaaayyyy Baaaackkkk. Grand Slam Troy O’Leary).  I’m sorry I am so indifferent about playing baseball in Boston.

D Lew.  I’m sorry I never put Carl on the permanent disabled list when I had the chance last year.  I’m sorry but I’ll be heading to San Francisco to finish my career.  I’m sorry they ever signed Everett.

Bichette. I’m sorry I never hit those 40 home runs like Shaughnessey promised in March.

Hatteberg.  I’m sorry I’m not a very good catcher.  I’m sorry I got caught up in the whining and back-stabbing and opened my big mouth.

Rod Beck.  I’m sorry I ever said ‘well if they don’t have faith in Derek and me to close these games…’ Yikes.

Lowe.  I’m sorry I was so cocky and basked in the glow of my 42 saves for the first half of this season.  I’m sorry I ever agreed to do a weekly gig on ‘EEI.  Chad Eaton disease set in right away.  But I’m still not sorry I dissed Joe on his first night.

Everett.  I ain’t sorry for nuthin’ man.  Get outta my face. “Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you.” Holy Bible, Book 43: John - Chapter 016.

Pedro.  I’m sorry but I am just an employee here. I’m sorry that my contract has three year’s left.  I’m sorry I keep breaking down.  I'm sorry I didn't come in with a new body last year, was busy buying boats and building new houses..

Garciaparra.  I’m sorry I let myself get hit in the wrist.  I’m sorry about all the craziness with the weights.  I’m sorry about all the commercials.  I’m sorry I don’t stand up to the a-holes like Mo would.  I'm sorry I had more MRI than  RBI this season. I’m sorry they ever put me on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Manny.  I’m sorry I ever left Cleveland.  I’m sorry I ever left Cleveland.  I’m sorry I ever left Cleveland (Is that where he went during his early exit on his way to Detroit?). ٱ