HENCH’S HARDBALL: Opinions expressed in Hardball are not necessarily those of Boston Dirt Dogs, Big Dog, or our sponsors:

Date: Tuesday, September 4, 2001
From: Kevin Hench
Subject:  Who is the Duke?

They both have a pathological inability to accept blame.  They both make themselves look worse every time they are interviewed.  And members of their staffs have a nasty habit of vanishing without a trace.  But Craig Grebeck's mysterious disappearance aside, I really don't think it's fair to compare Dan Duquette to Gary Condit.  Not fair, that is, to the congressman.  After all, Mr. Condit was elected.  No, Dan, you are no Gary Condit.  You see, at least people in his district - and several paramours, apparently - used to like him.  I'm not sure anyone ever liked Duquette.  The best he could hope for was people agreeing with him, which we did, if only occasionally.  Dan Duquette has got to be one of the least likeable figures in the history of New England sports.

But if he's not Gary Condit, who is he?

Many have compared the autocratic Duke to a despot, so naturally Nero comes to mind.  But fiddling while Rome burns at least has some eccentric, romantic charm to it, a la the band playing on as the Titanic sank.  Duquette fired the fiddle maker.  Seriously, has there ever been a more bizarre termination? Unless I missed John Cumberland falling flat on his face on his way out to the mound, I can't imagine a level of alcohol consumption that would merit the termination of a pitching coach after the team has held the Yankees and Indians to 11 runs in five games.  Find out what Cumby was drinking and buy a case of it for Rick Down.

Duquette certainly has some Robespierre in him.  During the Duke's Reign of Terror (reign of error?), he has dropped the guillotine on MVPs (Clemens, Canseco, Vaughn), morons (Jimy, Wendell Kim, Clemens) and innocent bystanders (Cumby).  But perhaps we can take comfort in Robespierre's fate, for this ambitious demagogue was himself sent to the guillotine in 1794.  What other fate could possibly await Duquette under new ownership?  I hope he doesn't insist on ruining Pedro's arm before he's shown the door.

The Duke also reminds one of The Duke in The Searchers, for Duquette treats his employees much the way John Wayne's Ethan Edwards treated Indians.  And just as Ethan struggles with whether to save his niece or kill her, so too, it would seem, our Duke has encountered some ambivalence about whether to save his beloved franchise or destroy it forever.

Duquette is a latter-day King Herod with his own Massacre of the Innocents. If he assembles a lineup with no protection for Nomar (2000), he fires the hitting coach.  If he assembles a bloated team of slow-footed singles hitters, he fires the manager.  If the pitching staff enjoys its best five-day stretch of the season, he fires the pitching coach.  Huh?  At least slaughtering the male children of Bethlehem had a purpose, a goal.  What the hell is Dan Duquette doing?

He is Joseph Conrad's Kurtz, condeming, loathing all the universe from his heart of darkness, suppressing the savages who would presume to question his authority.

He is Dickens' Josiah Bounderby; Hawthorne's Roger Chillingworth; Tolstoy's Col. Karenin.

He's a bad, bad dude.  And he signed Jose Offerman to a four-year deal.  Mean and incompetent.  Nice combo.