'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Red Sox Nation,
We were waiting for results from J.D. Drew's eighth examination;
Our Red Stockings were hung in third place just last year,
And now the-next-big-thing pitcher must turn boos into cheers;

Mr. Boras was nestled all snug in his bed,
(He's still smarting from Theo going upside his head)
He was nervous about J.D. and his contractual flap;
But started dreaming of Drew in his new Red Sox cap ...

While back east at Fenway there arose such a clatter,
Boras sprang from his bed shouting: "Drew's your No. 5 batter!"
He tuned to NESN-HD, Sox press conference in a flash,
He saw Werner and Henry, he starting counting his cash;
Theo stood up to speak, the full Dr. Charles show,
This was J.D.'s big payday... (Boras still counting commission dough);

When, what to Scott's wondering eyes should appear
But the face of Trot Nixon, signed for $3 million, one year!
"Theo duped me again with a dirty dog trick!
He can't do this to ME! ...I think I'm going to be sick;"

More rapid than flying on John Henry's plane,
Boras hissed and he shouted, he then called them bad names:

"#%@! Epstein! #%@! Werner! #%@! Henry!, you too Nixon!
You'll rue this more than the day that you lost Johnny Damon!
No closer for you! I control them all!
You took my cash away! You'll dearly pay! Now dash away all!"

Players still flock to Boras, contract price will be high,
He plays games with the numbers, he still tells the big lie,
So it's back to the phones, 'cause he's gotta move Drew,
Plus a sleigh full of players who gotta eat too.

The new Japanese members of the "official" Sox Nation,
Will pay $200 to Lucchino's slick operation;
Just the price of "citizenship," there's no ticket at all,
Only a chance to buy a bleacher seat on top of the Wall

But then, down in Ft. Myers, he walked to the mound,
His new translator watched, not making a sound,
Laying his finger aside of the seam,
He stares just like Pedro, an impossible dream?

He spoke foreign words, and went straight to his work,
He went into his windup; then turned with a jerk,
As he threw out his hand, and was coming around,
Down toward home plate, the ball took off with a bound;

He pitched just like Petey, so lively and quick,
Hitters down in a moment, his balls miss their stick;
His heater’s mid-nineties, curve ball has big bite,
Let’s mark Dice-K down for a shutout Opening Night!

And there stood Curt Schilling, looking incredibly slim
Who knew CEO could find time for the gym?
Even Manny came early and was ready to play
But come back tomorrow, he'll want to get traded away;

With Crisp back in center, And Lugo at short,
They're fine up the middle, still need run support
And then just like before, David let the ball fly,
‘Tek threw out base stealers, even Youk crushed line drives,
Nixon had the old stroke back, when he hit ‘em they flew,
They all batted around, Pedroia too;

The crowd sprang to their feet, to the team gave a whistle,
Lowell circled the bases, Dice threw another missile;
Wild Card hopes had been fading for our retooled ballclub,

BUT THE HEADLINE IN MAY WILL READ, "PENNANT FEVER GRIPS HUB!"

...with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
Merry Holidays, Boston Dirt Dogs

NESN: Santa Edes Fills Hot Stove Stockings
Extra Bases: Sox Sign the Venerable Runelvys Hernandez

Happy Anniversary?

Exactly One Year Ago, The Makeshift Red Sox Front Office Played Scrooge with the Rock Solid Leadoff-Hitting Center Fielder Over $8m-$12m (Over Four Years) and Woke Up to Find Coal... Then Coco... in Their Stocking
Thankfully Crisp, Mohr, Stern, Harris, Pena, and Murphy Picked Up the Slack

A Look Back at Boston's Biggest Bungle:
Here's JohnNY: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Co-incidence? Sox Co-GMs Caught by Surprise
Johnny Appleseed Takes Manhattan
Damon to the Dark Side | Johnny Chokes Up
Yankee Clipping: Johnny's Bad Hair Day
Sox Brass Blew It with Initial Three-Year Offer
Johnny Cash Walks Over the Line

Johnny Keeps on Giving Back in Boston

Damon Donates $20k Busload of Toys to Franciscan Children’s Hospital in Brighton (Meanwhile, We're Wondering if Manny Ever Set Up His MR24 Charitable Foundation ... )

Who Will Be King of Games?

Look Out CEO of Green Monster Games, Johnny's Come Out to Play

Damon Will Serve as League Commissioner for
New Professional Baseball Video Game League

"GGL is bringing together two of my biggest passions -- baseball and video games -- in a way that neither baseball fans nor video gamers have seen before," said Commissioner Damon. "Both baseball and video games play a huge role in today's culture in the US and around the world, and the PBGL is doing a great job of bringing these two communities together."

"More importantly, the PBGL is allowing me to invoke another passion of mine -- the Wounded Warrior Project, which raises funds and awareness for wounded veterans," continued Damon." As Commissioner, I'm proud to add former US Army Sergeant Steven Andrew Robison of Kansas City, Missouri, to this season's PBGL line-up." -- 12.21.06, Johnny Damon

Whoa, Nelly!

Is Curt Going to Have to Have the Green Monster Gear
Surgically Removed Before the Season Starts?
Or Is He Working It Into His Extension That He
Gets to Wear It in Lieu of His Sox Uni?

Trump: 'Mr. USA' Can Stay

Ramirez to Remain in Left Field for Duration of Contract
Zero Tolerance on 'Manny Being Manny' Going Forward

As Ramirez Packs on the Pounds in Florida,
Trump Decides at Last Minute Not to Send Him Packing

Manny Ramirez, a.k.a. Mr. USA, who had come under criticism amid rumors he had been frequenting fast food restaurants while he was supposed to be at the gym last month, will be allowed to keep his position on the Red Sox, Donald Trump announced today.

"He left a big condo in Boston and he was telling me that he got caught up in the whirlwind of Ft. Lauderdale," Trump said at a news conference. "It's a story that has happened many times before to many players and many men who came to the Red Sox. They wanted their bite of the Big Mac and they found out it wasn't so easy to stay in shape."

"I've always been a believer in second chances," Trump said, standing at a podium in the atrium of Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue. "Manny is a good person, but Manny hasn't played hard. However, Manny is going to be given a second chance."

Ramirez looked chastened and grateful and hungry as Trump called him a man who'd "made some very very bad choices, especially last September when he chose to sit out, some very foolish choices."

Ramirez won the World Series MVP title and became a United States citizen in 2004 and has been living in Florida, hiding from Joe Kerrigan. Recent media accounts of heavy eating at Mickey D's brought a storm of criticism since he was already overweight at the time. Manny weighed 251 lbs. on Monday.

In a tear-choked voice, Manny said, "In no way did I think it would be possible for a second helping to be refused by me." Turning to Trump, he said, "You'll never know what this means to me, and I swear I will not let you down."

Trump said Manny would be entering fast-food rehab. A Red Sox nutrition official said details would be worked out privately with Manny over the next weeks.

"I think Manny is going to be the great comeback kid," Trump said after making it clear he would no longer tolerate any 'Manny Being Manny' episodes for the next two years.

If Manny had been dethroned, his position would have been taken over by left field runner-up Mr. Pawtucket, David Murphy.

'Tis the season ...

... To Give to Those Less Fortunate

The Boston Men's Baseball League played the 6th Annual Winterball Extravaganza on Saturday Dec. 2. The doubleheader was played at Boston English High School in 45 degree cold. All participants had to donate a toy to Toys for Toys in order to participate. 57 players from across the league's three age divisions played. An entire truckload of donated toys was filled, as the event went off flawlessly.

Game 1 began at 10:30 AM and was won 5-1 by the MABL (the young guys). Game 2 began immediately afterwards and the MABL was leading 4-3 going into the eight inning. The MSBL tied the score 4-4 and stranded to bases loaded to close the 8th inning. The game ended in a tie due to darkness at the conclusion of the inning.

Two members of the United States Marine Corps stationed out of Ft. Devens came down to collect all the toys. Thanks to John "Smokey" Moore of the Winthrop Black Sox for securing the Toys for Tots pick up and for Charity Hop for coordinating all the details. Additionally, Boston Police Captain Kelley McCormick and also a player for the Somerville Senators were on hand to ensure everything went smoothly.

Please take the time to support Toys for Tots, Globe Santa,
or your favorite charity this holiday season

Drew's Anatomy

Derek and Burke to Determine If J.D.'s Body Can
Withstand Another Grueling 45 Minute Physical

Will Boras Have to Drop the Price on a Broken-Down Drew?

"J.D. Drew was scheduled to receive a second opinion Monday on a shoulder issue the Red Sox have concerns about, according to a major league source familiar with Drew's condition.

"The red flag went up after the Sox right-fielder underwent a physical in Boston last week and the reason the 5-year, $70 million deal struck at baseball's winter meetings nearly two weeks ago has not be finalized." -- 12.17.06, Nick Cafardo, Globe Staff

Update: How 'Minor' Is Drew's Snag?
(Is J.D. Now a $14m Trot Nixon?)

You Don't Sato ...

Catching Up with Daisuke Matsuzaka and
His Translator, Tak Sato, Over the Weekend

Q: Have you had any success in finding a place to live? Do you prefer to live in the suburbs like Schilling or to live in the city like Manny?

A: (via Tak Sato): Money is good but Borat should have gotten me more.

Q: Do you respond better to a tough disciplinarian like La Russa, or to a "players' manager" like Grady?

A: (via Tak Sato): Brady looks ready to take the Pats deep into the playoffs now.

Q: How do you plan to pitch to Derek Jeter?

A: (via Tak Sato): No cheater. I watched the World Series, that was dirt on Rogers’ hand.

Q: When you go to Paris, do you stay at the Hilton?

A: (via Tak Sato): I don’t know what Britney was thinking, but that girl is trouble.

Q: Are you concerned about the health problems with J.D. Drew?

A: (via Tak Sato): No because Romo is the quarterback of the future in Dallas.

Q: The first time you pitch at Fenway, how it is going to feel when you walk out of the tunnel?

A: (via Tak Sato): The tunnel better get fixed soon, the traffic is terrible in Southie…

The preceding interview is a parody. A real interview with Dice-K via Tak Sato would have been much more confusing.

Appalachian Fail

UMass Comes Up Short But Stands Tall

" 'They're a great bunch of guys,' said the coach, choking back tears when asked about his seniors. 'The big thing about our guys -- they compete to the bitter end. I've got great people. I wouldn't trade any of them. We came in here as a team. We're going home as a team.' "

"This would be a time for the students and alums of the University of Massachusetts to stand tall. Go to an alumni club meeting. Reminisce about the good old days at the Blue Wall. Buy a little UMass garb and wear it when you go Christmas shopping. Brag about your school at the office. Send along a little donation, maybe." -- 11.16.06, Dan Shaughnessy, Boston Globe

Let's Go UMass!

Get It Done Tonight

Sox Get Some Relief: Brendan Donnelly Acquired; J.C. Romero Signed
No More 'Waaaaaay Baaaack,' Troup is Gone:
O'Brien, Geffner Added to Sox Radio Team
Found in Translation: What Dice-K Really Said Yesterday
Bradford: Some Props for Jon Deeble

Thank God That's Over

Now The Red Sox Can Begin the Worldwide Search to
Find a Translator for Matsuzaka's Translator

"Heck, Carl Everett made more sense than Tak Sato, agent Scott Boras' designated translator.

"When Daisuke Matsuzaka was asked about joining the greatest rivalry in sports on Thursday, his answer via Mr. Sato was, "Not even the game between Yankees and Red Sox in Japan maybe Giants and Tigers."

"That was one of the more understandable responses." -- 12.15.06, Jeff Jacobs, Hartford Courant

"We'd love to share his pearls of wisdom, his hopes and dreams, his musings on Curt Schilling, Red Sox Nation, and Boston traffic, but alas these matters will take time. Matsuzaka was accompanied by an interpreter, but clearly most of his comments were lost in translation.

"Consider this sampling:

"Q: I'd like to get your impression of Fenway Park, after pitching off the mound, your initial impression of the park.

"A: When the season starts, I'm looking forward to the game." -- 12.15.06, Jackie MacMullan, Boston Globe

"During a 45-minute news conference, Matsuzaka smiled and laughed a lot. But Japanese reporters said Tak Sato, Matsuzaka’s translator, did not fully translate Matsuzaka’s responses, so the pitcher’s personality was mostly disguised from American reporters. A Japanese reporter provided a full translation and the words proved that Matsuzaka was poised and had a swagger, which is the scouting report for him on the mound, too." -- 12.15.06, Jack Curry, New York Times

"Matsuzaka’s interpreter’s command of the English language was shaky, and thus the pitcher’s translated comments were brief and, occasionally, unintelligible. About the only clear statement related by the interpreter was when Matsuzaka said, “I’m very happy and excited to be a member of the Boston Red Sox.” -- 12.15.06, Art Martone, Providence Journal

Dice-K's in the Fold

Down Goes Henry, Down Goes Henry

Extra Bases: A Light Moment at Fenway

Will Borat Speak at Sox Presser?

How Will Short-Money Signing Be Spun By Special-K Agent?

Boras Was the Poster Child for All That Is Bad About Agents

After Theo's Spanking, Greed Posters Now 80 Percent Off in Japan

Eric Wilbur: Cirque du Dice-K
Inside Track: Rockets Has Landed, Too